Remember How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days? Well, since that movie has come out, I’ve learned a lot more about guys and relationships. I’ve heard some pretty ugly stories from my guy friends and I’ve also experienced some of my own. So… in the light of Kate Hudson, I’m going to write exactly how to drive your man insane (or fall madly in love with you… because some guys happen to like crazy bitches).

1. ACT DITSY ALL THE TIME. Men don’t like it when their women are smarter than they are. Pull a Jessica Simpson every five minutes and he won’t know what to do with himself.

2. CALL HIM EVERY NIGHT AT THE SAME TIME. And if he doesn’t pick up, call him until he does, and always leave a message… And if he doesn’t ever pick up, show up at his house. He will love how dedicated you are to the relationship. When I was 16, I once called my ex 47 times until he finally answered the phone.

3. GET THE NAMES OF ALL OF THE GIRLS ON HIS FRIEND’S LISTS, message them all, and tell them to back to back off yo’ man!!!! In that accent!!! If you don’t, he will never know how much you really love him and want to be with him. Forever.

4. STEAL HIS CLOTHES and wear them all the time. Make sure you spray your perfume on them before you return them to him, that way he will always be reminded of you.

5. KNOW ALL OF HIS PASSWORDS and regularly check his email and social networking sites. Men can never be trusted. You have to show them who’s boss. But don’t let him catch you because he will get the wrong idea and think that you don’t trust him (even though you secretly don’t…).

6. BUY HIM UNDERWEAR and make sure he wears the underwear that you bought him every day. If he doesn’t, CRY and SCREAM and HIT HIM A FEW TIMES. He’ll understand by then. If he really loves you, he’ll even wear a thong.

7. FLIRT WITH ALL OF HIS FRIENDS. This will remind him of how beautiful you are and that every man is attracted to you. Encourage him to fight with his friends over you. If you’re lucky, you’ll get to see him throw a few punches in your honor.

8. IT IS NEVER TOO EARLY TO TALK ABOUT MARRIAGE, and kids, and dogs, and minivans. He secretly wants all of these things, even if he doesn’t mention them to you. Remind him that you’re biological clock is ticking. This is the only way you will get him to put a ring on your finger.

9. DON’T EVER TELL HIM HE’S ATTRACTIVE. You want to keep your man guessing. If you tell him he looks hot, he will immediately think that he is better than you and start looking at other women. If he does this, smack him across the face and make sure that it leaves a mark, but only do so if you are in public.

10. FISH FOR COMPLIMENTS. If he doesn’t call you beautiful every day than he obviously thinks you are ugly. He probably also thinks you’re fat and that you need to diet. Yell at him for thinking this way. He’ll be slightly disturbed at the fact that you know what he’s thinking about, so be prepared to hear him deny every word of it. Stick to your guns and fight to the finish.

11. IF HE TRIES TO BREAK UP WITH YOU, don’t let him. Tell him that you have leukemia so that he will stay with you. It worked for Mandy Moore, it can work for you. (i.e. A Walk to Remember). When you are miraculously cured, get pregnant, or even better, *fake a pregnancy.*

*Faking a pregnancy can be highly dangerous, but not as dangerous as actually giving birth. First, you need to buy a pregnancy test from a store. Make sure that it is not a digital test. Try the dollar store. Then buy blue kool aid, lemonade, and a red sharpie. Poor the lemonade onto the pregnancy test (the part where you are supposed to pee), then, with your red sharpie, draw two lines in the other section of the pregnancy test. Poor some blue kool aid over the two lines. Tell him you are pregnant, but don’t be happy about it. Cry a little bit. Over the next 6-9 months, you will have to wear a baby bump. This may cause back problems. That is okay because it will just be another excuse for him to give you back massages. After the 9 months are up, you can either say “Surprise! I’m not preggers!” and break up with him (this is a good time to do so, especially if he’s already spent most of his bank account on you. You need to be with a rich man. It’s the only way you’ll be able to be taken care of the way you deserve), or you can steal a baby. Warning: This could result in jail time.